Insecurities

Althroughout my childhood I don’t ever really recall my mom telling my sister and I how beautiful we are . I’ll leave that here.
So as I grew up I’d always remember people telling me you’re so pretty, or everybody thought I was out there out there because my body when to me it was only humiliating and uncomfortable with all the attention brought on me . And in high school it got even worst– I had started talking to my now ex when I was 14 and I ended up moving to Hamilton my sophomore year of high school so it was finally a chance to date to me the most popular and one of the best looking guys in high school . So we began to date and I only felt my insecurities getting worst. I felt like I didn’t have the style, or the beauty to be dating someone like him. We attended a predominately white high school so when you have a handful of black people attending the school it begans to almost feel like a competition to try and fit in with the rich or popular kids . But I was always that girl who never cared about any of that . So back to my insecurities building up I eventually began to feel unworthy like I wasn’t good enough to be with him. And in my eyes he kind of made me feel that way I felt like I was his big secret. Do you know how that makes a person feel? Really low to the point of not wanting to live, because no one even knew we were in a relationship . And his ex girlfriend who I had then been on bad terms with was there too . To me she was beautiful and rich so I even felt lower.  Its not like I was dirt poor or anything but to me it didn’t completely meet her standards . I guess I was really in a state of depression and living in a web of insecurities (I’m sure people could sense it from a mile away) . I remember one dream vividly my ex and I were sitting on my bed and he told me I was beautiful I just didn’t dress the way he liked.  That dream stuck with me and again made me feel low I was being haunted in my dreams by my insecurities. I’m going to stop there.
I am a sophomore in college now and to look back on how far I came I guess growing spiritually I realize none of that even matters . Clothes, hair, makeup, shit even skin doesn’t make you . It’s what’s on the inside that truly counts . So you mean to tell me 16 year old self it took me 4 years because I’m 20 now to realize that? Everyday I walk with my head held high because I have pride in who I am . I’m so proud . I even went natural in May . But what I wanted to say to anyone out there don’t ever feel like you have to dress, act, look, or even think a certain way to get attention . You’re beautiful inside and out and don’t get caught up in this materialistic society . I know it’s kind of hard with what’s popularized by media but that’s what its there for to make us feel unworthy, to make us feel really low, and you know what? Maybe even some of the most beautiful people in the world let society tell it could even be feeling the exact same way . We’re all the same and none of this even matters . I can’t stress it enough . Just focus on yourself and what’s on the inside seek spiritual enlightenment and know thyself you’ll begin to feel on top of the world you’ll began to question is it even normal to feel this confident (happened to me yesterday) . Okay bbl!
Xoxoxoxoxo

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