Emotionsssss

I guess we never realize how lonely we are until night falls. I’m in a very weird place right now so at a time like this writing through it is always the best solution. When I say lonely I mean I guess I don’t share my life with people that much… So whenever I feel like I need to talk I never do well to my journal or my sister. That’s one thing I can say my sister and I have grown so close this year that’s my best friend and maybe that’s why I miss her so much. But, even when I’m talking or even trying to vent to some of my “close” friends I feel like they aren’t even hearing me. But whenever they need someone Lone is always to the rescue… I’m not going to get angry or nasty, because honestly I’m so fine with people feeling like they can come to me with their problems I love to help people and I feel like maybe that’s one of my purposes in life. Going back to this morning… Momma C dropped me off at the bus stop there was a bus already headed to the south-side but it’s not the one I usually take so I told her I wasn’t taking it I was going to get on the one I usually get on. Mind you it’s like 28 degrees out so I really don’t know what I was thinking at the time. But I’m just sitting there at the stop about to plug my headphones in and this older lady walks over to me and asks

“are you going downtown?”

I responded “yes”

and she said “c’mon”

So you know I go because I don’t see an older woman harming me. So I get in the car and she told me she dropped her grandson off at the high school which is across the street from the bus stop. So it’s silent for a little while I’m trying to think of a good conversation striker and then suddenly she just started talking, at first she was a little uptight and then she began to loosen up and tell me more. The entire time she’s talking i’m trying to find the meaning behind me meeting her and talking to her? She’s you know really talking to me so I’m just responding back basically being the ear that she needs because I felt like maybe she lives a pretty lonely life two of her children died and the 4 she has left whom live in California (that’s where she’s from originally) and I don’t think she’s married. But I hope to meet her again. I guess you just never know who the universe will lead into your life. Because again there’s this guy in my classes he’s older 34 married with kids he’s someone whose turned their life around.What I kind of noticed about him is that he’s a really good guy maybe he just gets taken advantage of and he kind of wants to live life his way but he can’t. Okay, so yesterday we smoked a blunt together and chopped it up a bit about life and he was telling me how his wife has a PHD (talk about intimidation) so maybe that’s why he’s not following his true passion? We were at this Hip-Hop panel for extra credit as I talked about in my previous post and we were talking about Nebraska because that’s where he’s from well anyways I actually forgot where Nebraska was located and he began to draw a map of the US on the table and told me he loved Geography and I asked him why not do that you know as a career? And he said there’s no money or jobs in the field and I was like but if you love it why not? And he said because it’s life you know? For some reason that kind of made my heart feel heavy, I never want to be the person who accepts life for what it is and just leaves it at that. If you’re truly passionate about something I feel like you should always go for it, don’t waste your time trying to live the American Dream do what makes you want to wake up in the morning and be happy about going to your job. I feel like that’s what’s wrong with a lot of us today. We’re not living for ourselves anymore but more so the system and living up to the standards and approval of others rather than ourselves and that’s pretty sad and that makes me feel as if that’s the reason some of my generation is lost. Seeking approval and acceptance from someone on the outside world when in all actuality what we need to do is make ourselves proud, look within and know self. But uhm I kind of stirred off topic I feel like one of the things I am here for and I’ve always felt this way was to impact maybe in a major or minor way people’s lives may it be for 1 minute, a day, a week, a year, or even more I know that they will have taken something from me it’s somewhat like an exchange but I’ve always felt that way and maybe that is the actual reason why I feel I can’t get close to some people, like we’ll be close but it’s not close in the way of them really knowing much about me like anonymous? But I am working on getting better at talking and opening up to people. And would you look at that? I feel better already. Oh this is random and way off but I’ve been trying to find publishing companies I can submit my writing to (next summer I plan to visit NYC) so I’m about to read about this publishing company in NY I wanna see how legit it is (they sent me like a whole packet of shit lol). I really want to get serious about something. whether it be my writing or a relationship I just want to have something.. if that makes sense? well anyways I am out for the night! Have a good night and may your inner god(guide) be with you 🙂

xoxoxoxoxoxo

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