Insecure? Uncertain? You?

So, you wanna know what eye found interesting? Sunday my friend Cyd and eye smoked a blunt together and we just chatted it up about politics, music, and etc. But what eye begin to notice is that she wasn’t as talkative as eye was. Instead she was closed off, private, and a little quiet, she even seemed a bit uneasy and uncomfortable. Eye even hinted on it a few times but she brushed it off and eye didn’t want to bring it up because obviously she didn’t want to talk and eye wasn’t going to force her. Carrying on… eye was hanging out with my friend Blevins yesterday and he said “I didn’t know you talked this much, I like this side of you” and it immediately hit me! Cyd’s going through what eye was going through maybe like a month or two ago. You see eye have never been an open person, eye’ve always lived my life kind of closed off from people, private, eye never liked sharing much of my life with anybody from the outside. And the reason for this in my opinion was my insecurities. Living in fear that maybe people wouldn’t care as much as they say they do, feeling like eye’d be more of an outcast, and just feeling as if someone wouldn’t get me. Eye know because, eye’ve dwelt with those issues personally. And eye always wondered how people were so comfortable in their skin, eye wondered how people could be so quick to let you in, and eye wondered how people could be so trusting. Eye still deal with lack of trust  today eye flat out don’t trust anybody even when eye try- but eye am working on trying to get better at that. But back to what eye was saying eye feel like it’s easier to let other people in your life when you become more comfortable and accepting of who you are. Eye always had trouble with being comfortable in my skin and being who eye was. You see i’m a girl who loves black and whites, hip hop oriented music vs club music, i’m a huge Woody Allen fan. Eye love the dry humor raunchy intellectual films and jokes because that just happens to be my interests, eye love horror films, eye love being aware of everything going on in my universe, eye love that i’m becoming more and more conscious, eye love reading, eye love learning about my people, eye love kids, eye want to be a leader, eye see myself leading great things, eye love animals, and nature, and no lie eye have always felt like eye was kind of far off from everyone eye knew growing up, eye never fit well with other people as eye started growing up especially in high school so eye began to hide. Who would like somebody like me? Eye am not out there fucking everything that walks, partying all the damn time, all caught up in everything my generation had been caught up in at the time and that seemed to push me away from making friends so eye guess that kind of made me hard, it made me feel as though eye would never meet other people like me so eye just stayed closed and eye just went on not giving a damn. And suddenly all of that changed when eye met my best friends my freshman year of college at Stillman. All the people eye hung around we were all deemed as outcasts at that school, Mainly because it was a private college, oh and presbyterian based and sport dominated. EVERYONE their mainly had a scholarship for a sports team and mainly all the guys were on the football team. The people were really close minded as if they were allergic to growth and nobody really cared about you if you weren’t on a team, in a Greek organization, or involved on campus. I really hated that school with everything in me but eye loved that Stillman helped transform me into who eye am today without Stillman eye would not be Lone so eye am all the way thankful for that. But what eye have realized the more and more eye’ve been meditating, and spending time with myself the more comfortable eye grow with being myself and being comfortable in my skin, eye am no longer ashamed of my interests, and the way eye see the world because there are a group of yous out in the world ready to be met. You attract like minded people into your universe the more certain and aware you become of yourself. So my biggest advice to people is to spend as much time alone as possible there’s nothing wrong with me time, in fact it really helps you to grow as a person. And once you get deeper into knowing yourself and being comfortable you’ll find it is easier to open up and be yourself around the people you attract in your universe. BUT always know everyone isn’t good for you, but we can always root out those people who don’t seem to be right for you. I’d say whenever you are dealing with uncertainty that’s when you should pay attention and become more aware of everything around you and spend time with yourself, ask the universe for certainty when you are unsure because the universe never fails.

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