Why must love be so hard?

Let me start this off by saying never write anyone off from your life… Last night I went to my ex’s (Tyler) brothers house for a little get together or whatever. So Tyler tells me he’s on his way and i’m freaking out because I’m nowhere near dressed yet so he comes inside and waits for me playing with my little brother and all he’s just like family forreal because he’s been around for so long. So we end up leaving and he’s hyping my head up about how good I look and yadda yadda. So we go to his house so that he can get dressed and me being the slick person that I am I say “You still haven’t gave me a hug yet.” and he’s like mumbling under his breath “I should of been got a hug” you know little flirty comments mind you all we had recently said we were just going to be friends so we hugged and we start looking at each other and started to kiss it just happened and I laid my head on his shoulder I felt so weak as if I was going to cry I missed him so much. Well you know all the intimate stuff. So he walks away and we just play it off as always and he gets dressed we’re just chilling like usual it cracks me up to see that we’re like young adults now and somehow manage to stay in one another’s life. So we get to the dinner party you know it’s a very chill environment alcohol everywhere I don’t really drink but I decided to go ahead and drink something because what have I got to lose at this point? So as I began to drink I immediately begin to feel the alcohol I’m such a lightweight lol but I begin to think to myself “Am I over Tyler? Do I still love him?” and thinking of our downfalls. Something had been plaguing me the entire night I just wanted to ask him how come we never talk about our feelings to one another? We just brush everything off and sweep it under the rug. I believe there’s a lot of old hurt there but then I still see all the good and all the more that it could possibly be between us if we just opened up to each other more. It’s like we have every element except communication and being open with one another. Tyler has never been the type to really open up and straight up tell me how he feels although I know how he feels just from the way he looks at me, hugs me, and holds me tightly. But the thing is i’m the same way and I just want to clear all uncertainty. It’s funny because he was sitting next to me and some girl says are you guys together and he says yeah and she’s like you guys make a cute couple laughing to myself because we aren’t together but you can almost feel the energy. I just feel like maybe I didn’t at first love myself enough for him to love me so I tried everything in my power to fight it and just say he wasn’t the one for me because it’s so much easier to not get hurt. By this time the party is basically over so we all leave we get in the car and have conversation and then he says some shit like thanks for making me look good tonight I can never deal with him he can be so fucking corny lol but I love it so much. but we finally pulled up to my place and he’s like I better get a kiss . Ya know we had the little mini make out session and I immediately felt my heart warm up it was just so weird and I just wanted more. So after he left I begin to wonder like “is he my soul mate?” I guess only time will tell but I promise that I’m going to work on communication. I’m not getting ahead of myself tho I just want to take everything slow. Because my life when it comes to feelings is just so uncertain I never understand. But maybe that’s how love really is?


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