3/26

It seems like the older I get the more I let go of the idea of that father daughter relationship. I came to my grandparents house to visit them for awhile I haven’t seen them in ages and well my dad (the guy I grew up to believe was my father) lives here he’d been in jail for awhile but he’s been home almost two years now but anyways the more and more I talk to him the more and more I realize I don’t even care for a relationship with him maybe I’m being selfish? Angry? But how can I move forward when he’s a self centered being? All he really cares about is himself like all he does is talk about his self and honestly it gets old. Yesterday he came and sat with me but all he talked about was him, what his future plans were, his woman friend, and the past and you know that’s fine and all but what about me? We don’t even know each other we’re just like two strangers and it’s upsetting because you know I want to let him in and know more about my life but at this point I’m just saying forget it really and I just wanna make sure my future kids won’t have to deal with this nonsense. And its not like I never had that relationship though I still talk to my step dad and we keep in contact he gives me advice so he’s more of the father figure in my life.. but really it’s nothing I guess I just get so frustrated with this whole ‘dad situation’. But wanna know something? I’ve been reading a couple books from Osho and the latest one I read was Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously and he tells a story of two men who remembered their lives as sperm, and living in the womb all through meditation so I was thinking to myself I bet that I could do that if I really focused so that I could find my bio father. So yeah eventually I’ll test it out and give it a chance. Oh! I also found a writing contest that I can enter it’s called the young adults writing competition I forgot the actual name of it though but yeah there’s some positive energy in the air and I’m internally grateful.

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