If we’re being completely honest I would say that my biggest fear would be not ever knowing myself. I say that because I’ve always felt this inner longing for something more it just craves something greater. And I’ve been really into Osho lately and I can definitely say that his words have turned my life around. I’ve read and heard that meditation is the key to really finding yourself and what I’ve read from Osho is basically once you know yourself you find love (God). I’m not into religion and I don’t believe in societies idea or perception of what God is. So it made a lot of sense to me. As I read through my first Osho book Life, Love, Laughter :Celebrating your Existence that book really turned my entire life around. I came to the conclusion that whenever I’m meditating I find myself resisting. And I wouldn’t say that I (my inner being) is resisting but my ego is what’s resisting. Almost like holding onto something because ego is afraid of anything new.
Its like this I know that I deal with internal conflict. Literally every problem that I’ve had is always stems from within whether it be insecurities, the way others perceive me, or even the way my ego perceives what it believes is itself. It’s ridiculous. I would just like to reach that place within me that isn’t afraid to let go or hold back. I see myself as a chrysalis right now. I know the things that lie ahead of me I see my potential maybe I just don’t believe it yet and again referring back to ego. A couple of weeks ago I had a dream about a black bird a tall black bird and I’m a little freaky about those things so I googled it and what I found was that the dream basically meant that I was lacking self motivation and not working to my full potential. I was completely baffled because it was actually true.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being completely self absorbed then I tell myself that its my ego, because the ego is completely full of itself but in reality what I’ve learned is that the ego means nothing and once I let go of ego I can finally reach that place within me. I feel so out of place in all areas of my life because once upon a time it had order and everything made sense, now it doesn’t and I guess that frightens me a lot. So I resist, I live in fear because I don’t know what is coming next. Gosh I don’t mean to sound so down and depressed because I’m not its just literally how I feel. But as I continue to read more books by Osho I can say that I do see a change in myself and I feel as if I am on the right path.
I’ve learned that no one can give you advice when it comes to your life and the changes that one goes through so I stopped taking it. I just want to know that part of myself that has a thirst for life, that part of me that is loose, and enjoys everything without force. I can feel her seeping through which is why I compared my current state to a Chrysalis. I see myself evolving into a fearless butterfly living life to its full potential.