2:58pm

So how do I find her again? Looking through one of my social media pages the girl that I once was seems so impossible to reach. She was young, free, fearless, and careless. Now all I feel is a year older and safer than ever… for the first time in my life everything just seems predictable almost like a pattern. Now don’t get me wrong I’m happy in my life what’s happening now was totally unexpected but just because I’m a mom now doesn’t mean I can’t still be that girl I once was right?

So my question is how do I reach her? How do I find her again? I don’t want to repeat my steps I just want to find the girl still aimlessly wandering, looking and wanting more out of life because she is never satisfied… hmmm

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Venting .

If I were to admit to not having dreams would everybody look at me in a different way and think I had no direction? Society has its way of making us feel like we have nothing going for ourselves if we aren’t constantly busy working towards some goal or chasing some dream. Today I want that to change. Maybe I’m a little hard on myself? And maybe I know the world is watching so I want to make a good impression? But truth be told nobody is ever watching as hard as you think they are of course they’ll have their preconceived notions or etc but that’s it we’re all to busy focusing on ourselves with the same worries I think? But I was just sitting here thinking to myself I don’t really think I have any like huge dreams or goals and it almost feels wrong. I know I want to do something great in this world and create something so meaningful that it’ll change someone’s life or even outlook. I just make an impression on the world even though I don’t know how I’m going to get there yet but I’m working on it. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t have my whole life figured out and then again I think well maybe it’s not a bad thing. And as far as goals go I just want to do what I have to do so that my son can have a great life and I know material things don’t necessarily mean a great life. I just want him to have the opportunity to experience a lot of things that I was unable to experience until I made it happen for myself. I want him to be enriched, worldly I want him to have everything. So maybe that is one of my dreams? But that can’t be it you know? My only mark on this world can’t be just being a mother or can it? Truth is I don’t know I’m still growing, learning, and experiencing life myself. I just feel so old sometimes and like I need to have everything together. I guess not huh?

The Day Everything Changed…

Last Friday (October 21,2016 at 4:18am) my life changed and when I say changed I mean really changed….And yes it was all for the better. You see last Thursday Dillon Brandon Thomas came into this world and I am now the mother to a beautiful baby boy. More beautiful than I ever imagined he would be. Thinking back to when I was in that hospital bed in labor pushing to bring my son into this world I didn’t think I could’ve done itย but now I understand why I was. Our children seem to unconver this hidden strength that goes well beyond us. A strength that no one seems to even know about yet our children are the only ones who seem to be able to bring it out of us. I’ve grown to love my son more and more each day as I fall in love with him over and over again each time I get a glimpse into his beautiful eyes. So I guess you could say things are really different now but in a good way.

Unexpectedly.

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OMG! This is weird… 5 months into my pregnancy and I am finally beginning to show I can’t tell you guys how strange this has actually been for me. Watching my body and myself go through all these changes which in many cases is actually normal is so foreign to me. So if you all were wondering this is what’s been going on and why I have been so MIA. Dillon yes! Its a boy!!!! Thank goodness will be here in October and I can’t wait. Which is also strange I was always the one to say that I would adopt and yet here I am carrying my baby. It’s amazing how life turns out.

Tuesday

It amazes me how in our lives we have the ability to change whatever we want if we don’t like it. It’s like always having a reset button on life or a do over button whichever you prefer to call it. but, I told you all about my job on Fremont and how it was pretty cool well I’ve finally reached that boiling point of wanting to quit and I finally did (well not just yet) but I got a new job today and I’m pretty excited about it! Today has been a good day all around.

 

But the whole reason for me bringing this up is to tell you guys if you are doing something that you don’t like don’t keep doing it if it doesn’t make you happy. We were created to mess up and start over and over again. We have so many different paths, and choices to make it just all depends on what you want, and what you are willing to do to change things in your life.

 

I didn’t really want much but to just drop off that piece of good news and a little piece of motivation. ๐Ÿ™‚ so have a great beautiful day!

It would be a lot easier if people weren’t so judgemental. You ever have that moment where you just want to talk to someone anyone and the best person to talk to in that scenario is a stranger? Yeah that’s the situation I’m in right now there’s a lot going on in my mind and I just want to escape it all .

Why is everything so easy yet so hard? Why is it easier to be sad than to be happy? Why is it easier to lie rather than to tell the truth? Seriously the world is so backwards at all times. (I’m not like super depressed or anything) but there’s a lot about life that I don’t understand and here I am again battling everything in my mind.

Monday .

Hey everyone! How are you all? I’m doing well just at the work place once again. I don’t know if I ever told you guys what I do but basically I’m a sales associate/photographer on Fremont for the zip and zoomline (its not as cool as it sounds) the pay isn’t super great but hey it pays the bills, its not like I’m looking for a career at this very moment anyways. Aren’t we supposed to have shitty jobs at the prime of our youth and look back on it in the future when we’re making real money? (If that’s not the case then my mom sure did lie to me). Anywho my day has been pretty alright but I’d much rather be at home with some hot chocolate, a blanket, and a book. Speaking of books I haven’t got the chance to crack open Frankenstein because I have to read for classes ๐Ÿ˜• now I’m not complaining but I’m just saying I really enjoyed reading in my free time. Well I just completely lost my tran of thought because I had to get someone a go pro so that threw my whole focus off :/ I’ll be back.

Midnight.

Ahhhh, my day is coming to an end . You know even though I’ve been doing this blogging thing for awhile I still never really know what to say or what I should talk about because if I talk about my life chances are I may bore you all to death unless some of you guys think I’m pretty cool. I’ll basically just say whatever comes to mind and how I feel about certain situations that arise. Other than that my first week of classes were really good, I think for the most part I’m really going to enjoy my world literature class and Anthropology.

Something that also came to my mind is that I think we as human beings make it seem like life is so difficult and hard you know? We can do anything we put our mind to if we’re really willing (well that’s how I see it).

I’ve also been wondering if I’ve been serious enough but you know what I think about being serious? It kind of takes the fun out of life really if you’re just dull, and realistic.

I’m rambling because I was two days late on a post so I’ll catch you guys later in the day when I have something important to say (laugh now).

Okay, bye ๐Ÿ™‚

Lone

I don’t feel like much of a writer these days and I guess it’s because of my lack of writing. Truth is I’ve gotten pretty lazy especially when you work a lot, and then classes start tomorrow. (Forgot to mention that) yeah a lot has happened since my last post well the post before that one lol . I have a boyfriend now (another discussion for another day) back to me. I guess what I’m really trying to say is…. I don’t really feel that inspired lately. Usually after I finish a book it reminds my why I fell in love with reading and writing speaking of reading I just finished The Handmaids Tale by Margaret Atwood ย (its a great book with a terrible ending ย (in my opinion) because of the cliffhanger).

 

I’m thinking maybe once my world literature class starts it’ll reawaken in me what feels to be dead. That drive, that motivation to want to write. I’m going to work on spending more time away from social media and focusing more on my surroundings and what goes through my mind. Replace my phone with my notebook and carry it with me always.

 

Can’t really get out everything that I want to say right now because I’m at work :/ so I’ll catch up with you guys tomorrow and let you know how classes were.

 

Have a great night, and if you guys have any tips for conjuring up inspiration please don’t hesitate to let me know!