In Season?

I believe we all have that dark place where we run and soak; a place where we can be completely vulnerable without overwhelming ourselves with the idea that crying makes us weak… I can start a cry and quit right before I’m even finished so I keep a lot in but I am working on it. I was up late last night just thinking to myself how empty I felt and how I got my hopes up waiting on a phone call that never happened. Loving someone is supposed to make you feel full right? So why was I afraid? I don’t ever wanna be that person who runs away from love because my first love wasn’t quite right. It should of been over but I kept fighting it. I would tell myself maybe the timing isn’t right and we’ll eventually get back together its been like a constant battle but guess what? That battle will be shortly over and I mean soon. I can’t wait to start fresh and start dating again and maybe I’ll get what I really desire once I stop hurting myself.. There’s so much more to look forward to that I’ve been completely avoiding the bigger picture… I have so much love in my life right now for myself, from my family, and friends. I shouldn’t need to be thinking about what I feel like love has taken away from me but what love has given me. I need to take this time to be fully aware and to love myself, and everyone in my life unconditionally and the love that’s already harvesting will be in season when I am ready! I know my deepest darkest desires will be fulfilled when the time is right I just grow a little impatient sometimes but I know that it will be worth the wait because the universe is always listening and we never go through what we can’t handle.. Just thought I’d share some real emotions..

Butterfly Effect

If anybody ever asked me what I wanted to do I’d always say I was going to change the world and whenever I would tell people that they acted as if the whole idea was impossible or it couldn’t be done. I honestly think it’s a very possible thing! If everybody were to be a lot more positive, trusting, loving, and caring to one another and stopped listening to what we are told we could co create the perfect reality. It almost reminds me of the scene in the movie The Rebirth of Buddha when the man who was impersonating Buddha was telling everyone they’d die if they didn’t follow him because he conjured up this fake storm and everyone started believing him which made the storm seem as if it was actually happening and then the main character (I forgot her name) she was given a gift and she was telling everybody not to believe what they were hearing it was a lie and eventually people started listening to her and the storm passed over and everybody lived. With that said we are all one we’ve just been separated. We need to stop believing in separation start acting as if we’re one big team again forget labels, brands, material things all of that does not make us who we are and the sooner people realize that the better off society will be. It almost makes me feel sorry for people who don’t have an open mind because they are so focused on being separate all of their lives I dunno it just seems so wrong to be so hateful especially at a time like this.  feel and sense so much good going on in the universe and sometimes that makes me feel as if I’m a messenger like ever since my spiritual journey started. It’s funny my friend posted a question in the group me the other day : “What’s your motivation?”

I never answered in the group me but I did to myself, I think what motivates me the most is my will and desire to want spread consciousness amongst my peers. I live for that like I said I feel as if i’m a messenger so there’s no surprise that I am a writer, and I only want to continue to learn more about the ancient knowledge and ancient civilizations call me crazy but I see those two as a way to find the answers and even begin to try and learn and figure out how we lost our way. But really the only way we’re going to make this planet a better place is if we continue to believe in all of the good that is still out here! I know my posts lately haven’t really been how they used to but these are just some thoughts I feel as if I should get off my chest you know? Lately I’ve just been even more quiet than I usually am, more drawn in, and closed off but its for the good sometimes I just feel like I still don’t have people to talk to and they just don’t get me which is totally fine because we’re always going to feel like nobody understands us on our spiritual journeys and maybe nobody is supposed to? It’s just something we have to figure out on our own which is why expressing yourself is always the right go to move.

Sunset : The Internet

So I was just cleaning up some of my stuff haha my corner in that far side of the closet… (Not so funny just yet, but eventually it will be haha). But I just bought a board so I can make a vision board more so of where I’d like to see myself this year and years from now. I was listening to music actually Wolves by Kanye West, Vic Mensa, Sia it’s such a good song really like really good!! But I was thinking how I can’t wait for this time to pass because I so need my own space!! There’s so much creative shit I wanna do and I value my space so much but the problem is I don’t have any right now and I can’t really do what I want to do and that makes me feel a little annoyed but I know this hard time is coming to an end so I’m not even going to trip about it 🙂 I’m an artist and I just really value my space and people take that as a bad thing when its not I just really enjoy being alone… Anyways today has actually been pretty well watching movies with my mom and sister AND dun dun dun drum roll….. I didn’t go to work because of the snow!!! Soooooo grateful for that because really that place drains the life out of me… it’s like my constant reminder “Uhn uhn Loneesa this isn’t for you.” My grandpa told me once working makes you realize the type of job you don’t want to have and I can honestly say that! I know that I do not want to work for anybody at all. I think about my life a lot and I see it exactly how I want to see it nobody can really tell you how your life is going to go well…… only if you let them! I’ve learned that I can’t really let anybody get in the way of my happiness and to find the good in any situation and to push forward and to never let anybody even family, friends, and love ever get in the way of your happiness. Especially when it comes to the love part I feel as though if it’s real then it will definitely come back to me. I was up last night thinking about the love of my life and I love him so very much very much and I don’t see us being separated for long it was like I was given a heavy amount of hope and knowing it’s weird how things like that come to you at such late hours in the day… Maybe those latest hours are the hours of truth???

Heaven on Earth?

In order to be really truly happy you have to do whatever it is that makes you happy. I was just Thinking about all my friends and how they were and how I was when we all met and came together. We were all frightened… I think thats what it was that brought us together. We’re all our own unique persons and maybe we were frightened to be who we are in a world where everybody around us is the same. How do you tell a kid they can’t be themselves because they’re constantly told to act a certain way around the public… Like why does that even matter? I think being conscious is having the ability to express yourself freely, using your imagination, and literally living out all of your dreams and realities. There’s nothing wrong with that and I feel as if that’s the fault in this society we can’t accept one another so we separate ourselves with race, class, and religion. Mr. West’s interview has really put a whole new positive perspective into play although, lately myself I’ve separated away from race and just let it go. We are all the same yet we are, our own unique individuals but race, class, and religion is not the force that divides us. That’s why I say it’s important to express yourself, and live freely, and to start forming your own opinions. Challenge people, ask questions, and really think about things! Don’t let anybody’s opinion be your opinion and look from everyone’s perspective the best way that you can. Just simply be your own person in a world that seems so chaotic because eventually things will start looking up, you’ll meet like minded people and change the way you perceive things! You are ultimately in control and everything you send out and surround yourself with will eventually become your new reality.

Birthday

From birth I’ve always felt like I’ve known it all… I just knew there was more which is why I have always been searching for the answers. I just feel like the path I am on has set me up for greater things to come my way. Right now I feel as if I’m the lowest of the low on the bottom of the food chain and I am not. Physically yes but mentally no that’s why I am so hard to understand nothing about my physical is changing its all a mental thing my mind is opening up to more and more information. I think life should be filled with knowledge, love, truth, music, dance, ritual. A Utopian one. I don’t know just thinking to my blog I was just sitting on the floor downloading an album on itunes, I finally ordered some books to. I just put important things first. Anyways I’ll be back later lol! I get two days of work off so that means I have down time to write and relax. This is supposed to be a full time thing but thats impossible when you have a full time job and I hate blogging from my phone it’s ridiculous.

Lif3

First of all let me just say how grateful I am to be living and enjoying life! It is a truly beautiful gift from the divine creator and I can’t help but feel all warm inside when I say that! 🙂 Well as you all know I’ve been out of school and working.. At first I saw this as a negative thing and I was hating it, hating my life and everything. It’s like everything fell down on me and I had no way of finding myself out I was truly living in hell not to say that the worst isn’t over but I’d say I’m pretty close to coming through the storm. I didn’t know what my plan was going to be and what I’d even want to do but since I’ve been smoking a lot more staying connected to my higher self it has definitely helped me. I understand that all the changes occurring in my life are happening for the better in order to help me grow- this was like a test of faith or something because I swear I felt like I was at my lowest point but now I have a clear head I have so much clarity in my life I can’t believe it’s even happening to me. Seriously the people I’ve met along the way, the material I’m grasping, and all of my spiritual encounters there’s no way this didn’t happen for a reason. What I have to say is when life throws you in a maze stay strong and keep a positive outlook on life you seriously won’t regret it. I think what I am most grateful for is being so young and feeling as though I had a chance to start over and get things completely right this time. It was like life seen the way I was headed and they decided to step in and help me out and I am so grateful that it did but I can’t give life or the creator all the credit the change started within me first. One thing that was brought to my attention though is that people have been telling me I changed and at first not believing in myself I thought what was happening in my life was negative it was bad when in all actuality it is not! I am here for the greater good and I will not stop until I don’t have any fight left, I want to try and save humanity and spread the love and peace amongst the human race, it is important to thank the divine creator, universe, and your higher self for the chance to experience life, grow, create, empower, inspire, and influence!! Raise your vibrations and keep a positive attitude, namaste!! 🙂

Usually i’m  surrounded by lots of people and know that they don’t understand me but they try so hard. I always thought it was weird how I can see something and nobody else see it. I read people a lot So that kind of tells me what I need to know about someone. I get an idea for a character when I watch people in my waking life, or what I see in movies. But what sucks is that I haven’t had much exposure to be able to capture moments I wish I were capturing. So I’m usually dreaming about it and not making it happen when I know that I can. But I feel like I’m putting the right pieces together in my life to make it work in my favor. I can say I’ve been really patient with everything going on around me even when I feel like I’m at my lowest state. Righteously living off of a couch right now. A couch, hope, and a dream. But that just only pushes me to go even harder. I know that everything I’m going through is only temporary which is why I am not sweating my current situation it will pass because I can make it pass… My life will go the way I want it to go because I am in control of my life, it’s important that we realize that key aspect and continue to love, live free, and enjoy this life experience while we can you know? I tried so many images and fronts and realized I just cant fit in for anything I will always be an outsider but thats okay like Soul said “I always thought I was an outsider maybe i’m an insider.” I see my dreams happening right before my eyes like RIGHT before my eyes just ready to jump into that reality. I’m getting closer and closer definitely planning ahead. The signs have been there all along I just wasn’t paying attention.

Out with the old…

So I wrote down on a piece of paper all the things that I didn’t want to be tied to anymore all the old feelings, attitudes, thoughts, people, and etc. and at 12am I stood under the full moon and burnt the piece of paper with all the old things I wanted left behind and thanked the divine. It’s funny because last night I dreamed about one of my dreams I want to accomplish. I know that I’m so close to my dreams and accomplishing them and that makes me feel good. I’m done dealing with negative people, vibes, fear, and all the things that can hold you back as a person. This year none of that will follow me, I’m making sure of that and the other thing is yesterday I smoked and I was one with my higher self and I told the universe exactly what I wanted and today I’ve been nothing but positive and happy. But I just wanted to shed some light and just share my experience as I am on my journey to becoming one with the universe. This is a beautiful place and I feel like we should all enjoy life and be happy live on one accord, embrace nature, live in harmony, and just be one. I feel my vibration getting higher and higher. And I hope yours will eventually to! Namaste

How Dropping Out Of College Can Save Your Life

Thought Catalog

“One has to kill a few of one’s natural selves to let the rest grow — a very painful slaughter of innocents.” – Henry Sidwick.

You, the ambitious young person, how many of your natural selves have you identified yet? How many of them are suffocating? Are you prepared for the collateral damage that’s going to come along with letting the best version of you out?

My victims:

Ryan, college student 1 year from graduating with honors
Ryan, the Hollywood executive and wunderkind
Ryan, director of marketing for American Apparel

All dead before 25. May they rest in pieces.

I am a perpetual drop out, quitting, abandoning or changing paths just as many others in my position would be getting comfortable. By Sidwick’s terms, I guess I am a serial killer. This “slaughter” made room for the exponential growth of Ryan Holiday, published author. But he better not get…

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Romance .

I realized I love Romance everything about it. I love simplicity and how easy it is to fall in love with another person. I love the beauty in the act. I love sadness, I love emotion, I love vulnerability, I love honesty… I love all the things that sort of make me who I am. I’m rambling and just thinking to myself. The movie Beginners is like the best thing that ever happened to my life. Filled with so much pain and emotion it’s beautiful it’s lively. And I just wanna talk about myself for a moment because that’s okay and I never do. I think about everything and I try to make it beautiful. I try to associate myself with as much feelings as possible… more like to feel that emotion. I was thinking to myself as I watched the movie Tiny Furniture it was a scene where she asked her younger sister if she was a virgin or not and to be honest I just don’t think i’ll ever be a sexual person. Me and sex are weird together. I can watch it because I find the act itself beautiful but when it comes to me and the act I’m uh shaky, grossed out, or completely uninterested.. I wondered why that was? Still don’t really know why but does it even matter? I want to start over with a friend of mine, and make friends with a lot of people. Life is actually pretty beautiful and solid right now. Living it the way I want to. Okay… rambling again.