Day-19 Free Write

‘Or was it because I talked to myself? I contemplated this a lot because majority of the people I came into contact with were never really interested in getting to know me. I promised myself I would stop answering the voices in my head but it was way to tempting. People didn’t really talk about much these days and it was only then when I started people watching that I picked up the habit. I still longed for a friendship, it was the 60s and a lot of bizarre things were happening. People were being murdered by cults, wild sex parties with lots of cocaine and heroine; it was a nightmare to some. During the day I worked at the LA Times and at night I’d hop from bar to bar. I wasn’t much of a sleeper so I always had to keep myself busy with activity because I knew if I didn’t something bad was bound to happen.

Watch where you’re going freak!

I’m sorry sir I didn’t see you there.

Immediately something snapped and I don’t know what happened next, the stick was in my hand and I was whacking the guy. I tried to stop as he screamed out but I couldn’t. All the anger and frustrations I kept bottled up seemed to ease its way out. After awhile I finally got a grip and here I was stick in my hand with blood all over my face I was confused. We were down in the valley and it was near the woods so I decided I’d dump the body there that way no one could find him it was perfect.

Was this the something I was capable of? I just committed murder and I felt more alive than ever.

Thinking to myself I grew frightened when a person kills someone they should be afraid but me? I was the complete opposite I felt as though this was the answer to my prayers. I’d usually scope out the jerks during the day and follow them in the night. In the office we begin to receive articles about the killings they had no suspect or leads which meant I was in the clear. They begin calling him the clocker. Every night I’d come up with different ways to lure my victims in.

This went on for about maybe a month until I decided to take on a new area. That was when I finally met my match.

Day 18- Hone Your POV

     I was sitting on my stoop like I usually do to escape the madness of my home. My folks ran a boarding house to stay caught up on the bills so as you could imagine it got pretty hectic. Being the only child sitting on the stoop and people watching was my only muse. But on this particular day I learned just how cruel people could actually be. Mrs. Pauley was the nicest lady I’d ever met, she lived across the street from us and always offered my friends and I cookies. We accepted naturally out of kindness. If you want to know the truth her cookies were terrible. But anyways I’m getting sidetracked as usual my mom says it’ll be the death of me. Whatever that means…

I saw two police officers and the landlord knock on Mrs. Pauley’s door until she finally answered. I heard Mrs. Pauley shouting and that shocked the hell out of me because I’d never heard her raise her voice in my whole time of living in the neighborhood. I heard her expressing to the landlord and officers that she had nowhere else to go. But they refused to argue and barged right into her home so she had no choice but to walk behind them. The police officers begin bringing some of her belongings onto the sidewalk. Surprised at what was taking place I went into my house to get my dad.

Dad! We have to do something, we can’t just let them put an old lady out on the streets its inethical. Plus this isn’t just any old lady it’s Mrs. Pauley!!

 

What?! Really??  As my dad peaked out the window and begin to fix his attention back on me

 

It’s unethical and I understand your concern but David there’s nothing we can do.

 

I couldn’t believe what I was hearing my dad was like my hero and to see that he wasn’t going to do anything I knew I had to take matters into my own hands but what? I’m only a 12 year old boy. I decided to go watch and see what else was happening when it occurred to me I had about 40 bucks saved up. I went and grabbed it from under my sock drawer and rushed over across the street.

You can’t put her out, look Mrs. Pauley!! I have money so you won’t have to leave us I have 40 bucks!!

 

Look kid get lost we don’t need you coming over here distracting us we got too much going on.

 

Oh leave him alone Charlie he’s just a kid!

said Mrs.Pauley

She assured me that she was alright and told me to keep my money and that she’d find somewhere else to go before the day ended. I went back across the street and tried to come up with more ways to save Mrs. Pauley and her home but I ran out of ideas. I begin crying because I didn’t know what to do. It was super depressing seeing an older woman who never harmed a fly be put out of her home. What I couldn’t understand is if everyone in this got damn neighborhood loved Mrs. Pauley so much why weren’t they helping her out? I went back inside and brought the question up to my dad and he sat and thought hard about this and stormed out of the house. My dad went across the street and begin talking to Mrs. Pauley and the landlord. And the strangest thing happened the officers and landlord walked out of Mrs. Pauley’s house got in their cars and rode away. I knew my dad was a scary man but to get two officers to leave? I knew he had to have said something.

My dad offered to pay Mrs. Pauley’s rent since she had no steady income. The landlord was reluctant at first and finally agreed to my fathers offer. Mrs. Pauley was staying and my dad remained my hero. He came across the street and thanked and told me he admired me for not giving up on something that I believed in. He also told me to go across the street and help Mrs. Pauley put her belongings back into her house I wasn’t to thrilled about that part but I was excited that she was staying.

It takes courage to do what you did today especially for someone your age and I just want to say thank you for saving the day.

Oh no problem Mrs. Pauley we’re friends, now how about some cookies?

 

 

Day 17- Your Personality on the Page

If we’re being completely honest I would say that my biggest fear would be not ever knowing myself. I say that because I’ve always felt this inner longing for something more it just craves something greater. And I’ve been really into Osho lately and I can definitely say that his words have turned my life around. I’ve read and heard that meditation is the key to really finding yourself and what I’ve read from Osho is basically once you know yourself you find love (God). I’m not into religion and I don’t believe in societies idea or perception of what God is. So it made a lot of sense to me. As I read through my first Osho book Life, Love, Laughter :Celebrating your Existence that book really turned my entire life around. I came to the conclusion that whenever I’m meditating I find myself resisting. And I wouldn’t say that I (my inner being) is resisting but my ego is what’s resisting. Almost like holding onto something because ego is afraid of anything new.

Its like this I know that I deal with internal conflict. Literally every problem that I’ve had is always stems from within whether it be insecurities, the way others perceive me, or even the way my ego perceives what it believes is itself. It’s ridiculous. I would just like to reach that place within me that isn’t afraid to let go or hold back. I see myself as a chrysalis right now. I know the things that lie ahead of me I see my potential maybe I just don’t believe it yet and again referring back to ego. A couple of weeks ago I had a dream about a black bird a tall black bird and I’m a little freaky about those things so I googled it and what I found was that the dream basically meant that I was lacking self motivation and not working to my full potential. I was completely baffled because it was actually true.

Sometimes I feel like I’m being completely self absorbed then I tell myself that its my ego, because the ego is completely full of itself but in reality what I’ve learned is that the ego means nothing and once I let go of ego I can finally reach that place within me. I feel so out of place in all areas of my life because once upon a time it had order and everything made sense, now it doesn’t and I guess that frightens me a lot. So I resist, I live in fear because I don’t know what is coming next. Gosh I don’t mean to sound so down and depressed because I’m not its just literally how I feel. But as I continue to read more books by Osho I can say that I do see a change in myself and I feel as if I am on the right path.

I’ve learned that no one can give you advice when it comes to your life and the changes that one goes through so I stopped taking it. I just want to know that part of myself that has a thirst for life, that part of me that is loose, and enjoys everything without force.  I can feel her seeping through which is why I compared my current state to a Chrysalis. I see myself evolving into a fearless butterfly living life to its full potential.

4/26/15 thoughts

I find myself afraid often

Often afraid to let go

But why?

Do I fear losing myself because I’m petrified to find myself?

I wanna live like the ocean

Just flowing

Embodying life

Alive

Some things occured to me yesterday… What do I want from life? And why is it so hard to admit it to myself? I was on this rather touchy topic because my team leader from work was asking us what was the driving force behind wanting to be successful. I said my mom, siblings, my writing career, and for myself. I chose those because it’s all something I’m very passionate about. I chose my mom because she’s my hero she’s my backbone and no matter what I do in life she’s always rooting for me. Just the other day she said

“Whether you believe it or not I’m your biggest fan kid”

And I immediately got to thinking that’s enough to keep me motivated when I get down on myself. She’s sacrificed so much for us I just wanna give her the world in return.

My siblings keep me going because they’re constantly looking up to me and that’s enough to let me know that I can’t fail them. The pressure of making sure I never screw up is always on.

Next was my writing career. Honestly I’m not sure about a lot of things in this world well life but what I do know is I will only continue to grow as a writer and I just want to reach the inner voices of kids like me. I wanna inspire them.

And lastly I chose myself.  I used to have this tendency (still do at times) that I would always get down on myself no matter what. I can’t wait to reach that point of growth where literally anything anyone says to me won’t matter. It’ll just be ful added to the fire. Some days I wish the negative Nancy’s would shut the fuck up but without them where would you be? Life is interesting and I don’t wanna figure it out I just wanna get better. I wanna grow, I wanna succeed, I wanna inspire.

It’s funny when you notice your growth.

Have a good day!

Day 15- Your voice will find you

Honestly… this was kind of tough. If they were to take underground hip-hop away I’d probably be screwed for eternity. I’ve always been the girl who kept to herself. Not really popular, not really talkative, just really to myself a lot. And in this generation people automatically assume if you’re not hanging with the out crowd something is wrong with you. And you know what?

I think most people in my generation are a bunch of phonies. They’re so caught up in image they don’t even know how to be themselves. And it’s really annoying when you look out and barely see anyone being who they truly are. Most of them don’t even know who they are. I mean I don’t know who I am but what I do know is that I’m not trying to be like everyone else that I see. This is how I see myself : trying to find myself in a world filled with clones. Don’t get me wrong I know a lot of people who can and are themselves but with social media it’s looking a little rare. (I haven’t lost hope yet!)

Now with underground hip-hop artists I come to find out when I listen to their lyrics they’re kids just like me. Didn’t really fit in, an outcast but they are pure and they have a pure message they want to get across. It’s meaning and stories in what they’re saying, it’s inspirational. Unlike the bullshit they play on the radio I absolutely hate mainstream hip-hop. It’s terrible and there’s no message.

So the way I see it is if there’s no message then what’s the point of listening to it? Music means a lot to me and I’d be compeletely lost without it. I’m a dreamer I don’t take much in this world serious except good writing, art, and a message that will stick. All of that other stuff in life that we take or deem so serious is truly irrelevant to me at this point. This actually felt good.

Day 14- To Whom it May Concern

Dear Hawked,

See I’m still not as to clear as what you mean. I mean on Google I get more than one definition and frankly that’s annoying. But I found you on page 29 of IT and I uh assume you mean the word steal? Or you know something of that nature. But maybe stealing an item in a certain kind of way? Okay how about this? Write me back when you make sense. Okay? That would help everyone out.

Sincerely,

Lone

P.S. seriously don’t write me back until you make sense 🙂

Sibling Love

“I just don’t wanna not be close to Leesa”

My sister and I have the closest bond ever. (We’re a year apart) and ever since I moved to Nevada we’ve been talking but conversations have been a little shorter than usual.

As I heard the words last night they pierced my soul. My sister is literally my other half and I can’t imagine life without her ever. After our conversation I then had a dream about her and my baby brother (he’s 11) I’m the oldest of us 3.

Dream: We were in my car and two guys were robbing us and one had a gun. Now I’m very overprotective of my siblings so I did everything in power to protect them. Long story short we lived and the robbers got taken care of .

But it’s moments like these that help me realize how close and how much I love my siblings they are my life literally.

California was awesome .

So yesterday I decided to be all daredevil and whatnot and let the guy wrap the pythons around me. California was definitely a great experience especially for my first time going! I will definitely have to go again. Its only 4 hours away 😉

Day 11

When I was 12 I was a very adventurous girl more like a tomboy. I grew up in a five bedroom home within a very small town that seemed large at the time. The house consisted of my mom, step dad, sister, baby brother, and my two stepbrothers on the weekend. Making the world our playground my sister, buddies around the neighborhood, and I set out on multiple quests.Climbing trees. Riding our bikes through the forbidden trails. And playing tether ball at the end of the streets from a homemade concoction: putting a ball in a few plastic grocery bags, tying a shoe string through the loops of the bag and tying it to the pole. It was on!! We’d sit on the edge of the broken concrete in anticipation as we eagerly waited our turns.

Being the “fortunate kids” in the neighborhood we always had a yard full of kids. It seemed that my sister and I weren’t only liked by the other children in the neighborhood but we also had another admirer. Her name was Ms. King. She was an older woman who lived across the street from us. We’d sit and shoot the breeze with her for a few awhile and leave with a bag full of goodies. This has taken me back a bit. She was a very nice lady, who at the time may have been lonely but being so oblivious with young age my sister and I hadn’t paid any attention.

Riding my bike through the alleyways as my sister was tied to the back holding on gliding in her roller skates we’d always pass this house with a dog who barked angrily as if he didn’t want us to have fun. I remember the kid Nathaniel who lived there. Knocking on his door his mother would reply he was never allowed to come out and play. The neighborhood was nice but there was some areas in town that were off limits. But. Being kids we’d challenge our parents, which is how my bike got stolen. Luckily, it wasn’t stolen for long. My step dad walked around the whole town until he found the culprit who got his dirty paws on my bike.

It was easy to get my bike back because you see my step dad was a very liked man in our small town. (still is to this day) He was very active within the community which is probably why no one really messed with us except “the bad kids”. Growing up in a neighborhood within a very small town had it perks. Because being 12 you never see any of the negative stuff only the good.Then you grow up.