“Why is writing so much harder for me than it is for everybody else?”– every novelist ever, secretly to themselves, all the time.
I felt this quote on a spiritual. Seriously, I have the hardest time balancing motherhood and writing. I’ve been writing for a few years now and I’ve only been a mother for a little over a year 15 months to be exact and as you can see I’ve missed a few of the writing assignments which I will catch back up on. But for me it’s just about finding the time for me to really focus and push out some good writing. I feel less of a writer when I’m not ever able to write everyday. Time management has always been difficult for me but I promise I will get the hang of it!
Things I wish….. Ahhhh! What are some of the things I wish?
I wish that the world wasn’t such a violent place. (cliche at its finest but honestly it is the truth) I wish that everyone could get a long and love one another.
I wish that there weren’t things in this world that divided us from one another such as; race, class systems, religion, celebrity, and the regular people.
I wish that there wasn’t an us or them.
I wish that love wasn’t so complicated.
I wish that things could go back to the way that they used to be.
I wish that social media didn’t exist because it makes it harder for us to really live out our lives because we’re constantly behind our phones. Why do we want everyone to see what we are doing at all times.
I wish that I could be a kid again.
I wish that I wasn’t such a hopeless romantic.
I wish that I didn’t care what others thought of me.
I wish that adults knew how to embrace their inner child more.
I wish that we weren’t forced at a certain age to grow up and get all serious.
I wish that he would look at me the way he used to.
I wish that life could get easier (sometimes) I enjoy a challenge it makes life more worthwhile.
I wish that my heart wasn’t breaking.
Why do I write? I write because it helps me whenever I am feeling out of the sorts. I write because whenever nothing in my waking life makes sense I can make my own world of words make sense. I write to escape the chaos in the world. I write because I love to go back and look at my writing years later to see how I have evolved. I write because I eventually want to write that novel that I fantasize about from time to time. I write because I want to inspire people the same way M.K. Asante, James Balwin, Paulo Cohelo, and Albert Camus inspired me. Words are so powerful so potent so beautiful how could I not want to be apart of something so beautiful. With writing I can create my own world and anything I want to happen can happen there. And these are the reasons that I write and will continue to write.
So how do I find her again? Looking through one of my social media pages the girl that I once was seems so impossible to reach. She was young, free, fearless, and careless. Now all I feel is a year older and safer than ever… for the first time in my life everything just seems predictable almost like a pattern. Now don’t get me wrong I’m happy in my life what’s happening now was totally unexpected but just because I’m a mom now doesn’t mean I can’t still be that girl I once was right?
So my question is how do I reach her? How do I find her again? I don’t want to repeat my steps I just want to find the girl still aimlessly wandering, looking and wanting more out of life because she is never satisfied… hmmm
If I were to admit to not having dreams would everybody look at me in a different way and think I had no direction? Society has its way of making us feel like we have nothing going for ourselves if we aren’t constantly busy working towards some goal or chasing some dream. Today I want that to change. Maybe I’m a little hard on myself? And maybe I know the world is watching so I want to make a good impression? But truth be told nobody is ever watching as hard as you think they are of course they’ll have their preconceived notions or etc but that’s it we’re all to busy focusing on ourselves with the same worries I think? But I was just sitting here thinking to myself I don’t really think I have any like huge dreams or goals and it almost feels wrong. I know I want to do something great in this world and create something so meaningful that it’ll change someone’s life or even outlook. I just make an impression on the world even though I don’t know how I’m going to get there yet but I’m working on it. Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who doesn’t have my whole life figured out and then again I think well maybe it’s not a bad thing. And as far as goals go I just want to do what I have to do so that my son can have a great life and I know material things don’t necessarily mean a great life. I just want him to have the opportunity to experience a lot of things that I was unable to experience until I made it happen for myself. I want him to be enriched, worldly I want him to have everything. So maybe that is one of my dreams? But that can’t be it you know? My only mark on this world can’t be just being a mother or can it? Truth is I don’t know I’m still growing, learning, and experiencing life myself. I just feel so old sometimes and like I need to have everything together. I guess not huh?
Last Friday (October 21,2016 at 4:18am) my life changed and when I say changed I mean really changed….And yes it was all for the better. You see last Thursday Dillon Brandon Thomas came into this world and I am now the mother to a beautiful baby boy. More beautiful than I ever imagined he would be. Thinking back to when I was in that hospital bed in labor pushing to bring my son into this world I didn’t think I could’ve done it but now I understand why I was. Our children seem to unconver this hidden strength that goes well beyond us. A strength that no one seems to even know about yet our children are the only ones who seem to be able to bring it out of us. I’ve grown to love my son more and more each day as I fall in love with him over and over again each time I get a glimpse into his beautiful eyes. So I guess you could say things are really different now but in a good way.
OMG! This is weird… 5 months into my pregnancy and I am finally beginning to show I can’t tell you guys how strange this has actually been for me. Watching my body and myself go through all these changes which in many cases is actually normal is so foreign to me. So if you all were wondering this is what’s been going on and why I have been so MIA. Dillon yes! Its a boy!!!! Thank goodness will be here in October and I can’t wait. Which is also strange I was always the one to say that I would adopt and yet here I am carrying my baby. It’s amazing how life turns out.