You guys ever feel like everything that you’re going through is usually like an inner self problem or conflict? It has nothing to do with the outside world it’s all internal like a way to force you to sit with yourself and really figure yourself out. I came to this realization: people move in hopes of getting away from their demons which isn’t possible if you haven’t sat down with yourself yet. I’m not saying I’m a meditating pro but I’m definitely trying to get better. I’m literally at the stage in my life where I’m freaked out/excited/emotional/ and adventurous all in one. It’s weird… You ask me about my writing? Ahhh its coming along just fine. You ask me about my love life? Yeah I’m very confused don’t know what I want I even came to the conclusion that I don’t want to be monogamous for awhile. You ask me about my life? Well as far as school goes I’m working on getting this figured out. I just want to take complete responsibility for my life. Sure it’s scary being an adult but its okay to be afraid I’m young and I will make mistakes and everyone needs to realise that ya know? Like we’re only human we can’t have that picture perfect lifestyle. I’m just looking forward to everything ahead of me. This may be a little off ha I’m soooooo freaking tired yo :’/
Ahhhhh! So this morning I was packing a bit and it hit me that I am going to be moving to freaking Las Vegas in less than four days! The thought itself is quite thrilling but what also excites me is the fact that I have no idea what to expect and what my future holds…. I’m just living in the moment and making sure that I enjoy every moment of life so that I don’t miss it. Like I said before I feel like we try to plan/prepare so hard for this perfect life that we actually go on missing life and I don’t want to be that person. I just want to live life the way I’d like to and everyone should do that ya know? But I didn’t really have much to say just wanted to get that out! I hope that everyone is having a good day.
It seems like the older I get the more I let go of the idea of that father daughter relationship. I came to my grandparents house to visit them for awhile I haven’t seen them in ages and well my dad (the guy I grew up to believe was my father) lives here he’d been in jail for awhile but he’s been home almost two years now but anyways the more and more I talk to him the more and more I realize I don’t even care for a relationship with him maybe I’m being selfish? Angry? But how can I move forward when he’s a self centered being? All he really cares about is himself like all he does is talk about his self and honestly it gets old. Yesterday he came and sat with me but all he talked about was him, what his future plans were, his woman friend, and the past and you know that’s fine and all but what about me? We don’t even know each other we’re just like two strangers and it’s upsetting because you know I want to let him in and know more about my life but at this point I’m just saying forget it really and I just wanna make sure my future kids won’t have to deal with this nonsense. And its not like I never had that relationship though I still talk to my step dad and we keep in contact he gives me advice so he’s more of the father figure in my life.. but really it’s nothing I guess I just get so frustrated with this whole ‘dad situation’. But wanna know something? I’ve been reading a couple books from Osho and the latest one I read was Courage: The Joy of Living Dangerously and he tells a story of two men who remembered their lives as sperm, and living in the womb all through meditation so I was thinking to myself I bet that I could do that if I really focused so that I could find my bio father. So yeah eventually I’ll test it out and give it a chance. Oh! I also found a writing contest that I can enter it’s called the young adults writing competition I forgot the actual name of it though but yeah there’s some positive energy in the air and I’m internally grateful.
So I guess you guys could say I’m trying to make a comeback with my blog and get my views and followers back up! Its been such a tough time for me but I can finally say it’s time for me to get back to my blog…. I’m trying to completely involve myself in my newest project it is titled Luna Blossomed and basically it’s going to be an autobiography/memoir/fiction/fantasy short story. I see the success in this project it’s really personal and I feel like I can reach my peers on such a personal level ya know? Just talking about my life and all the things I’ve gone through to get to where I am and what I want to do. I had a friend kinda snap me back into reality it’s not like the writing ever stopped because I write everyday it’s just following through with a project is what I had a problem with and also having a lack of confidence! I didn’t believe in myself so how could I possibly write a book? I would get so influenced by the outside crowd I forgot who really mattered and I dont want to be that girl anymore. So I have a couple of treats for you guys coming soon and I will be here in effect and I’m not going anywhere lol. I’ll be back currently getting acquainted with my newest gadget.
Honestly…. some days I think I really hold back as a writer and others I get completely absorbed. I love that moment where I feel inspired and I just go haywire and write. It’s funny a few days ago I was talking to one of my buddies from work and I was just watching him its like I stepped outside of myself and watched us as we had our conversation. I was timid as always, blushing, but really into the moment and he? His eyes were completely locked I swear that its rare that I ever have people who are really listening to me or maybe that’s in my head? But anyways I’m getting beside the point he really inspired me so as I’m working right? I have all these words running through my head my bosses are out in front of me eating as I am supposed to be “writing temps” I say fuck the temps and grab this napkin and started writing like a madman I was completely in my zone in a crowd full of people I found myself in my writing in that moment and I think it’s moments like that when I exercise my talent and go off of instinct that some of my best writing comes about. Seriously it’s like a book in my mind everything that I do I kind of twist it into a story literally. I’m a fiction writer but sometimes I confuse myself with some of my characters to get a better outcome.. which is why I watch people I watch everything, I’m just very curious and I feel like writers we thrive off of experiences we can’t really become a well rounded writer without them which brought me to my next conclusion! I’ve reached my experimenting stage and I now know that’s probably because of young age and curiosity and it made me realize I want to go all the way with my writing and I won’t look back I’m going to keep going and I will make it as a successful fiction writer/poet.
I saw myself running
Running towards a life of destruction
Until I stopped myself I told myself it was over and there was no need to keep running from me
If I wanted to be free you know completely liberated? I had to stop being the enemy…
I needed to learn to trust myself if I ever wanted to be happy
So I begin to rely on my intuition
It hurt a lot but made everything that was so foggy seem clear
And the light that was so very dim drew a little near
I never thought a light so bright could appear in my world of unhappiness
Immediately I was thrown
The light grew brighter and I begin to see my life ahead
I couldn’t decipher between the two paths.. Was my mind playing tricks on me?
I had an option I could live out a life filled with fantasy
Or I could be realistic and find nothing but pain, misery, and a life filled with broken dreams
I saw myself going down the wrong path
Life yanked me and showed me that I should never put myself last
And there I was again looking for my path
I started running again…. towards a light I think they called it Ascension
A life filled with fantasy, dreams bigger than mountains, and streams that flowed like your happiest cry
It was a place where I uncovered my broken wings
I remebered the last moment like it was yesterday I was staring at myself and repeated aloud
“I can’t be my biggest enemy”
I didn’t want to live in a world of unhappiness where my broken dreams are a reflection of who I always wanted to be
I stopped beating myself up and allied with my inner enemy
Aligned with my higher self as I continued the quest to Tranquility