So, I never really took myself as the singing type but today it happened. I was listening to Woods by Willow and I was like I’m going to write a song I know I’m not like a beast at singing but I feel like I got a little bit going on. So what I realized as I was writing I just wanted to write actually how I felt I just wanted to live right in the moment and out of nowhere I kept reciting the lyrics and boom it happened I felt the emotions pouring out into the lyrics as I was singing. And I immediately felt like I wanted to share with everyone. I feel like I want to touch peoples lives and take singing serious. I feel like it’s easier to sing versus actually just reading my poetry aloud to people. I wasn’t so shy and nervous. So I actually put it on IG, and FB to get feedback. Eventually I want to start recording and using my sound cloud to share my music and support other artists, I would of never actually seen myself as a singer and that’s crazy as hell to me. But whatever, I just want to express myself and if I like it then that’s all that matters I just wanna sing for myself and if people like it then they like it (I don’t have a problem with it either way). But I guess I wanna start taking music seriously, and I want to finish school. So uhm this is about to get interesting. Give me a year or two. I’m going to start making the right moves. I always thought I’d be a rapper or some shit but nope I really like singing. I’d definitely say as I get better I want my sound to go in the category of Neo-Soul/Folk Blues. Yeah I lowkey just created my own genre lmfao. But man yes just wait on it. I should be studying but now I wanna keep writing music.
Its like the older I get the more and more I want to know about my biological father. As I’ve expressed before the only father figure I’ve had in my life was my step dad I love him and I just feel like I can talk to him about anything and that’s the best feeling ever don’t get me wrong. But, I’d really like to know who my bio dad is— I wanna know who I see when I look in the mirror, where I get some of my wildest desires from, and mainly who I am. I know everything about my mom and I see a lot of similarities because I know her so, with my bio dad I want to be able to know him and say
“oh now I know where I get that from”
I want to form a really strong bond with him.
Okay, so let me tell you all the story, my 9th grade year my mom was kind of having financial difficulties and she wanted to take out child support on the man I thought was my biological father. So we went and took a DNA test and that was done. So some months had passed and my sister and I came home one day and my mom was in the living room crying so me I don’t like seeing anyone I love hurt so I kneeled down in front of her on the verge of tears and said
“momma what’s wrong?”
and that’s when I found out my real dad wasn’t my dad. Imagine being 15/16 finding out there your whole life was basically a lie. So I ignored it but it always stuck with me. This is where it gets rough this year on my 20th birthday the question formed in my mind who is my father so I remember texting my mom and asking her about my biological father and the crazy thing is she finally came completely clean about it. The man I’ve been calling my father isn’t actually my father and even my grandparents and he even knew I wasn’t theres biologically ( they never treated me any different). That really hurt me, because I hate secrets and it’s like everyone knew except me. It kind of fucked me up. My mom even told me she had been trying to find him so that she could have the information ready for me, but all she had was a first name. So…… that’s where I am stuck, she told me she’d help me find him but I only have is a first name. When I go home I want to begin my quest to find him. I don’t know why this was on my mind so heavy but it is, and I barely ever share this with anybody. So yeah, take it easy folks i’ll be back!
I strayed off my path just to find you
Yet, like two split roads our lives intersected
But, I accepted
You know there’s really no difference between the 60s and now. In the 60s everyone knew who the target was, and again! It is obvious who the target is. I never understood how anyone could love a country that doesn’t want us here. Last night I happened to be on Tumblr and boom! There it was Akai Gurley (28) an unarmed black man coming down the steps in an apartment building and shot by a police officer. The NYPD has had a long list of killing off unarmed black men. But now this has me thinking so hard. Are they trying to take our eyes off of Ferguson?! Because they know the uproar soon to come after the case. It’s just so funny to me the day they announce that the grand jury may come to a decision Beyonce drops a new video and another innocent black man is killed. I would say that’s a distraction but nobody is hearing me.
So, I have to tell you guys about last night and what an experience it was for me! I went to this event last night it’s called BSPOT it’s held by BSAC the Black Student Awareness Committee. And the theme was the Black Experience “Being Black in America”. When I tell you guys it was a room filled with love… IT was a room filled with L.O.V.E. Basically what it is, is a showcase of talent, we had dancers, rappers, spoken word artists, and singers. The thing that I’ve always come to realize is all artists who talk about something with some substance are always conscious. It just seemed like a celebration of our culture in one room. Everyone expressing themselves so beautifully you know telling one another to be beautiful in your skin and to love who you are to and most importantly know yourself. Knowledge is definitely infinite and that is something nobody can take from you. We must love ourselves and we must want to know who we are. It was really an unbelievable experience and I only hope to see more and more, I was getting all upset because this is probably my last semester in Birmingham and I love the art scene but what I failed to realize is I’ll always attract like minded people so the school I go to in the fall in Ohio I already know I am going to meet some dope artists. So I am not worried. All I can say is that I was so inspired. So I will be writing even more poetry.
Have a great day!
I guess we never realize how lonely we are until night falls. I’m in a very weird place right now so at a time like this writing through it is always the best solution. When I say lonely I mean I guess I don’t share my life with people that much… So whenever I feel like I need to talk I never do well to my journal or my sister. That’s one thing I can say my sister and I have grown so close this year that’s my best friend and maybe that’s why I miss her so much. But, even when I’m talking or even trying to vent to some of my “close” friends I feel like they aren’t even hearing me. But whenever they need someone Lone is always to the rescue… I’m not going to get angry or nasty, because honestly I’m so fine with people feeling like they can come to me with their problems I love to help people and I feel like maybe that’s one of my purposes in life. Going back to this morning… Momma C dropped me off at the bus stop there was a bus already headed to the south-side but it’s not the one I usually take so I told her I wasn’t taking it I was going to get on the one I usually get on. Mind you it’s like 28 degrees out so I really don’t know what I was thinking at the time. But I’m just sitting there at the stop about to plug my headphones in and this older lady walks over to me and asks
“are you going downtown?”
I responded “yes”
and she said “c’mon”
So you know I go because I don’t see an older woman harming me. So I get in the car and she told me she dropped her grandson off at the high school which is across the street from the bus stop. So it’s silent for a little while I’m trying to think of a good conversation striker and then suddenly she just started talking, at first she was a little uptight and then she began to loosen up and tell me more. The entire time she’s talking i’m trying to find the meaning behind me meeting her and talking to her? She’s you know really talking to me so I’m just responding back basically being the ear that she needs because I felt like maybe she lives a pretty lonely life two of her children died and the 4 she has left whom live in California (that’s where she’s from originally) and I don’t think she’s married. But I hope to meet her again. I guess you just never know who the universe will lead into your life. Because again there’s this guy in my classes he’s older 34 married with kids he’s someone whose turned their life around.What I kind of noticed about him is that he’s a really good guy maybe he just gets taken advantage of and he kind of wants to live life his way but he can’t. Okay, so yesterday we smoked a blunt together and chopped it up a bit about life and he was telling me how his wife has a PHD (talk about intimidation) so maybe that’s why he’s not following his true passion? We were at this Hip-Hop panel for extra credit as I talked about in my previous post and we were talking about Nebraska because that’s where he’s from well anyways I actually forgot where Nebraska was located and he began to draw a map of the US on the table and told me he loved Geography and I asked him why not do that you know as a career? And he said there’s no money or jobs in the field and I was like but if you love it why not? And he said because it’s life you know? For some reason that kind of made my heart feel heavy, I never want to be the person who accepts life for what it is and just leaves it at that. If you’re truly passionate about something I feel like you should always go for it, don’t waste your time trying to live the American Dream do what makes you want to wake up in the morning and be happy about going to your job. I feel like that’s what’s wrong with a lot of us today. We’re not living for ourselves anymore but more so the system and living up to the standards and approval of others rather than ourselves and that’s pretty sad and that makes me feel as if that’s the reason some of my generation is lost. Seeking approval and acceptance from someone on the outside world when in all actuality what we need to do is make ourselves proud, look within and know self. But uhm I kind of stirred off topic I feel like one of the things I am here for and I’ve always felt this way was to impact maybe in a major or minor way people’s lives may it be for 1 minute, a day, a week, a year, or even more I know that they will have taken something from me it’s somewhat like an exchange but I’ve always felt that way and maybe that is the actual reason why I feel I can’t get close to some people, like we’ll be close but it’s not close in the way of them really knowing much about me like anonymous? But I am working on getting better at talking and opening up to people. And would you look at that? I feel better already. Oh this is random and way off but I’ve been trying to find publishing companies I can submit my writing to (next summer I plan to visit NYC) so I’m about to read about this publishing company in NY I wanna see how legit it is (they sent me like a whole packet of shit lol). I really want to get serious about something. whether it be my writing or a relationship I just want to have something.. if that makes sense? well anyways I am out for the night! Have a good night and may your inner god(guide) be with you 🙂
Yesterday I attended this Hip Hop panel out of curiosity, and extra credit. I’m not saying i’m an Hip Hop expert but got damn it i’m getting pretty close. One thing i’d like to say before I go further into detail is I noticed how mainstream Hip Hop is what’s tearing us further and further away from our roots. The white man knew Hip Hop had an huge impact over our lives and just about everyone listens to Hip Hop it is a Universal art form. It’s in our culture. But they are also aware that you eventually become what you listen to. Mainstream Hip Hop isn’t and I quote mainstream isn’t Hip Hop it’s a controlled industry by the white man to keep us as slaves. Hip Hop when it first came on the scene was about political and economic injustice, it was a way for us to grab our brothers and sisters attention and make them really aware of what’s going on in the world. Carrying on, there are two major things that stuck out to me and let me know some of us are blinded, and not really learning our history when it’s out there! We just have to dig and find it. The first of the topics was degrading women in Hip Hop and by degrading they mean the twerking, dancing etc. The next topic we landed on was that there are no conscious hip hop artists which are both false assumptions. Firstly, in Africa, Jamaica, or anywhere you see our sisters and brothers music, dance, and ritual have always been a prevalent thing in our culture. But some girls from the panel were saying how they thought hip hop now degraded women and I guess they felt offended by it but if you go to Africa, Jamaica, and anywhere with people of color sexuality, and dancing has always been a very open thing. It wasn’t until we got to America (land of conservative Christians) did we see sex, and dancing as an offensive thing and I guess “degrading”. We’re all brought up in America (Americanized) taken away from our roots. Growing up in America we were taught that women should always be passive, we aren’t allowed to be sexually open, be involved in politics, or even have a voice (this is where my true feminist side starts to show). Which is all bullshit but I’m getting beside the point. I view sex as a sacred thing because that’s my preference but, I do not see any reason why a woman shouldn’t be allowed to explore her sexual desires/fantasies. But back to the dancing I raised the point of dancing provocatively, and being sexually open is actually a very common thing in other countries, and our motherland continent Africa so how can dancing and showing the world you’re sexually open be degrading see what I’m saying? I didn’t agree with that at all. I just think if any of us are going to speak on something then we should know everything about the topic and looking back at our roots before we’re so quick to call it degrading. The second topic was there are no conscious artists that kind of threw me for a loop because there is so much underground “conscious artists” the east coast where conscious hip hop emerged is actually coming back and it’s beginning to become widespread again. There are artists like Joey Bada$$, his collective group ProEra, Flatbush Zombies, The Underachievers that I can personally think of but then there are also other conscious artists like Dizzy Wright, Ab-Soul, Hospin, Earl Sweatshirt, Travis Scott, Chance the Rapper, Big K.R.I.T., Kevin Gates, and Rapsody. I didn’t hear any of those artists named and I thought it was crazy. But I guess it just depends on the person and what people want to hear these days if they want to hear that watered down shit they call Hip Hop they can have but I just encourage everyone to look at all the underground scene. Hip Hop is not dead it’s coming back Alive and will be here forever more. We must not let Hip Hop die! Let’s support our artists!